Daily Trojan - April 12, 2001 A Letter From George W. Bush by RAYMOND LEW The following letter was received by the Daily Trojan from someone by the name of "GWB." Dear Mr. Tang Jiaxuan, How's it going, 'ol buddy 'ol pal? It's me—George W. Bush. No, no, no...not the guy that puked all over your friends, I'm his s—errr...never mind. Anyways, I was just sitting in my Oval Office—you know, since I am the president of the most powerful nation in the world and all—with nothing to do, and thought I'd drop a line and say, "Hello." Gosh! How foolish am I? It just occurred to me that maybe you can't read English. How could I be so stupid? Here...let me speak your language for a moment: &^%&$@^&(%(*)%*!_+~(@*&%!!!! Hehehe...OK, OK...put your nuclear weapons away. It was just a joke. Besides, you probably have someone translating all this stuff to you (note to translator: please remove this paragraph. Thanks.) So how have you been? Wife and kids okay? Those damn capitalists and socialists still getting on your nerves? I feel your pain. I...I can't do this anymore. I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't write just to see how you were doing. I'm writing because of this little spy-plane-mid-air-collision mishap. Yeah, that one. Look, I don't know why you won't just give us our plane back. It's just a spy plane. It flies around. Does other stuff. Nothing harmful. I mean, if you want to be that way, fine. Gut the freaking plane, see what I care. (By the way, if you do gut the plane, could you do me a favor and tell me what you find? Those damn National Security and Defense people won't let me know what's going on with all of our cool gadgets and stuff. Muchas gracias.) If it's intelligence that you're looking for, I'm sorry, but you're barking up the wrong tree. Hey, have you ever heard of Napster? It's great! I just learned about it this morning. It's this thing on the Internet that gives you free music whenever you want. You just tell the computer, "I want Britney Spears" and it gives it to you. Well, I've never actually used it, but from what I've heard, it's all the rage amongst the kids nowadays. Much better than plans for nuclear bombs and alien spaceships and ray guns and stuff. Okay...you twisted my arm. I'll let you in on a little secret. Even if we did have cool gear on that plane, we'll never be able to implement it. I just cut our all of our nation's funding on defense! Just don't tell anyone. I hate technology. People think they're smarter than me just because they know how to type. How 'bout this: you give back the plane, and I'll just "look the other way" when you start bombing all those other little Asian countries. Deal? Alright, you know what? I've had just about enough of this bulls**t. Now you look here you little commie. You're gonna give us our plane, and we're gonna forget that this thing ever happened, you hear? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't make me go Hiroshima on your ass, you little punkass b*tch. Go to hell. Even worse, go to Texas. 1, 2, 3, 4. I declare nuclear war! See ya in the warfield, loser. Truly yours, George W. Bush, the most powerful man in the world (and don't you forget it!) Copyright 2001 by the Daily Trojan. All rights reserved. This article was published in Vol. 142, No. 57 (Thursday, April 12, 2001), on page 11.