Daily Trojan - February 22, 2001 Pardon Me While I Burst Into Flames by RAYMOND LEW So you've decided to vote...but does your vote really matter? Of course not, what are you, crazy? And it's not just because "my vote is insignificant compared to the thousands of other votes out there." No. It's because the candidates themselves are insignificant. All of them. Let's not kid ourselves. No matter how many promises they make, no matter how many campaign speeches they give, no matter how much litter they put on Trousdale, our elected officials will still continue to waste away our money on their own frivolous spending. "Hey, I know! Let's get smashed with a couple of our buddies and put it on the Student Senate tab! Since we have some USC alumni with us, we should have no problem expending the drinks! Party on!" Not that I blame them. Heck, if I was getting screwed out of $32,000 a year and suddenly fell a**-backwards into $1,000,000-plus in student funds, you better believe I'm gonna abuse the system for all it's worth. But despite the utter worthlessness of our student leaders, I must say that there is one worthwhile act that they perform while in office. Pardons. That's right, pardons. While USC does have some of the most distinguished alumni across the nation, we also have our own fair share of freaks and embarrassments. These alumni are banished from the USC community, their names never to be uttered again by the lips of any self-respecting Trojan. However, each year, the exiting student leaders pardon a couple of alumni from their humiliation, thereby releasing their good personae and good names back into public domain. So when casting your vote today, forget about whatever issues the candidates stand for. More importantly, who will these candidates pardon when they leave office? Which alumni do you want to brag about to all of your friends once you leave USC? Without further adieu, here is an approved list of USC pardons; ask your presidential candidates who they would absolve, and see if their priorities are in line with yours. John Robinson: USC football coach who brought our team to glory in the '70s, but couldn't find the same kind of magic in the '90s. Fired via answering machine. Reason for pardon: I always knew you were a winner, JRob. Love what you're doing with the Rebels out in UNLV. Unfortunately, I don't make the hiring and firing decisions on campus. Note to Pete Carrol: don't give anyone your phone number. Trust me on this one. Joey Lawrence: Perhaps best known from the television series "Blossom," Joey has since embarrassed the Trojan family by not trying hard enough to make "Whoa!" standard slang on campus. Reason for pardon: at least you stopped trying to make music videos. General Norman Schwarzkopf: Leader of the U.S. Troops in the Persian Gulf War, this USC alumnus has been widely frowned upon for not blowing up Saddam Hussein when he had the chance. Now that damn Iraqi is laughing all the way to his disease-laden weapons of mass destruction. Oops. Reason for pardon: We understand. Really. After all, flesh-eating bacteria isn't too bad, once you get used to it. Robert Stack: The popular host of television's "Unsolved Mysteries" was never able to explain the death of Kurt Cobain. Murder or suicide? C'mon! The irregularities in handwriting? Heck, the "suicide note" doesn't even mention suicide until the last four lines! And do you really think Kurt could've raised the shotgun with all of that heroin in his system? Reason for pardon: You were, however, able to figure out who leggo my Eggo (it was my dog). I guess I'll let it slide for now. But if something ever happens to Dave Grohl, I'm gonna hunt you down and rip out your eyeballs with rusty pliers. Orenthal James Simpson: "The Juice" was ostracized by the USC community as a result of those ridiculous Hertz Rent-A-Car commercials. Let's be reasonable here...a Hall of Fame running back for the Buffalo Bills scrambling through the airport to catch a flight? Please. O.J., we understand. We forgive you for your silly choice of endorsements. And for murdering two people. And lying about it. Reason for pardon: Please don't kill me, O.J. It was just a joke. My editor forced me to put you on this list. I can give you her home address and telephone number if you like. I'll even help you hide the body. George Lucas: Filmmaker extraordinaire...ever heard of "Star Wars?" Then again, this is also the man who came up with Jar Jar Binks. I hate Jar Jar Binks. If I ever see that thing in person, I'm gonna cut off it's eyeball antennae with a pair of hedge clippers. Reason for pardon: Well, you did donate ridiculous sums of money to our school. And if it worked for Marc Rich... Copyright 2001 by the Daily Trojan. All rights reserved. This article was published in Vol. 142, No. 29 (Thursday, February 22, 2001), beginning on page 8 and ending on page 10.