Daily Trojan - February 15, 2001 Nothing Left To Lews: Vote Ray For President by RAYMOND LEW Good morning and good afternoon, fellow students. My name is Raymond Lew, and I am running for student body president. Never mind the fact that I am graduating in May; if elected, I promise to fail the rest of my classes so that I may better serve you in the coming school year. As student body president, I promise to spend $15,000 on plants for my presidential office. That's $15,000 of your (or your parents') hard-earned (or inherited) cash. This act will exemplify my dedication to the environment at USC. In addition, I assure you that the lawns of our sacred campus will be properly fertilized every Tuesday. Imagine that. Five hundred pounds of fresh manure dumped on USC each week. Fresh manure from the choicest livestock, spread all over the ground that you and I walk on. As student body president, I also promise to allocate more money toward putting new signs around campus. No longer will we only have "THH—Taper Hall of Humanities" or "WPH—Waite Phillips Hall" to identify their respective buildings, but USC will also be beautified by the placards "The place where little Johnny skinned his knee," "EVK—Evil Kitchen" and "Dorks sit here." Keeping labor interests in mind, I will work towards promoting Nike on a more global basis and also move toward improving the quality of our sweatshop labor. I will ensure that the average wage of USC work-study students is lowered to $3.25 an hour. Work-studies will also be relieved of all bathroom privileges, and must pee in their pants on command. They will be required to work odd shifts like 5 a.m. to 10 a.m. and 8:24 p.m. to 1:19 a.m.; I will also encourage work-studies to continue to treat their fellow students like crap. To those of you living in residence halls or University-owned apartments, I say to you, "More fire drills and sprinkler-induced flooding." Rest assured that the fire alarm will go off right after you step in the shower or while you are having sex. If you want a peaceful shower, go to the Four Seasons. If you want peaceful sex, do it outside at 2 a.m. like everyone else. As student body president, I promise to litter Trousdale Parkway with cumbersome election propaganda promoting myself and my running mate, "me." I will strive toward flooding every kiosk on campus with my good picture and good name. As such, I do not care about any other activities on campus other than my own ego-driven plans for control and a $10,000+ tuition remission. I will urge all students to go out and vote, but ensure these students vote for no one other than me and myself. In an attempt to bring a little more excitement to the classroom, I will consult President Steven B. Sample in hopes of changing the name of our university to XSC: Extreme Southern California. I will place mics on every student in every classroom, so that we may all hear the grumblings of "This class sucks," "What is the answer to number 27?" and "Please remove your hand from my booty." In an effort to increase test-taking enthusiasm, I will require that all classes be short five exams during finals—no additional copies will be made. Before the actual test is administered, students will have to scramble to the front of the classroom for an exam; those left empty-handed will fail the class. As student body president, I promise that all discussion sections will have an appropriate foreign language translator. I will encourage professors to care more about their research than about their classes or their students. I will make the 15-minute rule a reality. As student body president, I promise to increase the gaps between the various social groups on campus. I will work toward making sure that at least 37 students are ridiculed because of the way they dress, the way they look or the way they act. I will ensure that at least one person is ostracized because of his DT column. I will do my best to promote the "ideal" woman: 5'4"-5'8", 100-101 lbs. I guarantee that at least nine students will suffer from bulimia, five will suffer from anorexia and 13 will suffer from peer-induced depression. I promise to use humor as a means of protecting myself from sounding too serious, and vice versa. As student body president, I promise to turn your skin and bones into something beautiful. I will no longer make obscure references to songs by Coldplay. I will no longer talk about being from New Jersey. I will remove this cell phone from the side of my head. I will drink more Pepsi. But I will never set foot inside a 7-Eleven. As student body president, I promise not to make such blatantly sarcastic, pointed comments. I promise to make USC a better university. Copyright 2001 by the Daily Trojan. All rights reserved. This article was published in Vol. 142, No. 26 (Thursday, February 15, 2001), beginning on page 9 and ending on page 11.