Daily Trojan - December 1, 2000 You Too Can Be President by RAYMOND LEW I'm sick and tired of this election nonsense. The ballots have been cast and the people have spoken, yet we still don't have an answer as to who our next President will be. Quite honestly, I believe we've taken this little "democracy" thing a bit too far. To have 100 million people (or 538, depending on how you look at the situation) determine our nation's fate for the next four years is absolutely ludicrous. After all, there's bound to be a couple of knuckleheads that use the old coin flip, consult astrologers, communicate with the dead, or rub the ol' magic 8-ball. I believe we should treat the Office of President just like any other job in the our country. Our next president should be chosen based upon his past experience and qualifications. He should be chosen based on his general knowledge of domestic and international politics. He should have to submit a resume. And three letters of recommendation. But since it's improbable for 100 million people to interview a couple thousand ego-driven bastards, we must resort to the simplest, most objective means to resolve the situation: an examination. No, hear me out for a second. Think about it. All candidates would start off on equal ground. No overhyped media stories, no expensive campaigns, no cooky electoral college shenanigans. Ingenius! Think about trying to get a job in the real world...what happens? You're usually hired based on your abilities and competence...your potential employer doesn't poll the entire company in order to come to a decision. "OK everyone, listen up. Who thinks that little Jimmy should be hired to scrub toilets on the 3rd and 4th floors? Hold your hands up high so I can see them." That being said, I am pleased to present you with a self-scoring presidential exam. First to 270 wins. The actual version will vary slightly. Welcome and thank you for applying for the Office of President of the United States of America! Please use a #2 pencil or pen with black ink. You will receive your scores by mail in four to six weeks. Good luck! Preliminary: These questions determine your viability as president. They are simply designed to facilitate the testing process and eliminate individuals who will not become president, regardless of how well they perform on the rest of the exam. 1. Are you a member of the ethnic minority? 2. Are you a third party candidate? 3. Does your name rhyme, resemble, or bear likeness to any of the following: Hitler, Hussein, Bin Laden, Nixon or Gotti? 4. Are you a communist? 5. Are you female? (Please ignore if your name is Hillary). If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you are ineligible for the position of President of the United States. Please discard this exam. Personal: This section is designed to determine how well you fit the "presidential mold." Point values are given in parentheses. 1. How old are you? Give yourself 2 points for each year over 40. Subtract 5 points for each year over 55 2. How tall are you? Give yourself 2 points for every inch over 6'1.'' Subtract 25 points for every inch under 5'10'' (sorry Ross). 3. Are you left-handed (30)? Family: How well does your household represent the ideal "American family?" 1. Are you married (10)? If so, did you do it for public image (30) or the sex (75)? 2. Do you have pets (3)? If so, do you have fish (2), a cat (8), dog (12) or pikachu (100)? 3. Give yourself 10 points for each child you have. Add 50 points if you have had a child within the past year (you animal, you). Honesty: This section determines how well you will uphold the integrity of the Office of the President. 1. Have you ever lied (-30)? Was it about sex (230)? Morality: How will your actions and opinions affect the impressionable minds of our disillusioned society? 1. Have you ever smoked pot (0)? If so, did you inhale (-30)? 2. Have you ever cursed in public (-17)? Was it about a news journalist (72)? 3. Have you ever used subliminal messages (-63)? Did they work (213)? 4. Have you ever done cocaine (-98)? Snorted (-24) or shot up (77)? Experience: This section determines your leadership prowess, and how well you can handle the everyday rigors of the presidency. 1. How many years have you been in public service? Give yourself 12 points per year. 2. Was it in Texas (-14)? Intelligence: This section is designed to determine your reasoning skills, and show how well you can adapt to new situations and conflict. 1. Spell "potato" (no point value. -600 if incorrect) 2. True/False: Nigeria is a continent (50). 3. Did you attend an Ivy League university (3)? Was it Harvard (-30)? Essay: Create your own essay question and answer it in the most roundabout way possible. Assign yourself a score from 0 to 100. How did you do? 400+: Well done, Mr. President 200-399: Almost, Mr. Vice President. 100-299: Very respectable, Governor. 0-99: Nice try, councilman. Under 0: Mr. Nader, you didn't read the preliminary questions. Please discard this application immediately. Copyright 2000 by the Daily Trojan. All rights reserved. This article was published in Vol. 141, No. 52 (Friday, November 10, 2000), beginning on page 16 and ending on page 15.