Daily Trojan - November 17, 2000 Red Bull Banned Nationwide by RAYMOND LEW Outrage. Disbelief. Somnolence. These are all reactions to the recent nationwide ban of Red Bull, the performance-enhancing drink that gives some people wings...and other people the runs. It all began earlier this week, as school officials in Burbank, Calif. prohibited the substance on all schools in the district. The ordinance was passed in reaction to two Burbank High football players who had fainted after imbibing the sugary, flatulence-flavored liquid treat. In an unrelated story, it was revealed that the two students had not eaten for weeks on end. The alarming tragedy in Burbank and subsequent ban of Red Bull set off a chain reaction of prohibition statutes on college campuses nationwide. Although many cite "public safety" as the cause for the interdiction, rumor has it that university officials everywhere have banned the substance for fear of pending lawsuits by the major beverage companies. One high-ranking CEO in the industry, who wished to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying, "Rats, syringes, poison...we've built our reputation on our hazardous beverages. Now Red Bull thinks it can just waltz in here and create its own health fiascoes? I don't think so." However, USC officials stated that the pending lawsuit had nothing to do with the designation of Red Bull as a contraband. In a prepared statement, President Steven B. Sample decreed, "Simply put, we just cannot allow our students to bring Red Bull onto campus. After imbibing the noxious liquid, students clog the flow of traffic in and around Commons due to their sudden bursts of high-energy. Our structures and walkways weren't designed to support such activity. In addition, the unnatural impediment of human traffic is simply unfair for those students who are interested in loitering and clogging up major thresholds on their own volition." Student reaction to the statement was vociferous, to say the least. Joe Coffey, head of www.SaveRedBull.com contested, "This is just the beginning of energy drinks -- they can't stop all of them. Sure, USC can focus all of their efforts into putting out one fire, but thousands more will have ignited in the meantime. What happens to Gatorade and PowerAde? What about Power Bars and Starbucks? It's just a matter of time before the situation becomes uncontrollable." However, there were some who were brave enough to speak out against the recent trend of energy drinks. One student said, "The ban makes sense to me. Why should I suffer the consequences of my own stupidity when I can blame my mental shortcomings on my lack of Red Bull? Everyone I know is drinking the damn stuff. It's amazing how people will destroy their bodies just to get ahead these days." In a concentrated effort for the re-legalization of Red Bull, student activists on campus held a demonstration in Alumni Park on Wednesday. Red and black ribbons were passed out, along with Pixie Sticks, cans of Jolt! and hits of speed. Activist Robert Marlee argued, "Hey man, we're just a bunch of mixed-up kids trying to have a good time. We're not causing harm to anyone. This is all just another case of the man trying to hold us down. First they ban Red Bull, then Speed Stack...what's next? Spam?" Indeed, many USC students are having difficulties dealing with a dry campus. Culinary-cinema major Juan Valdez stated, "I...I just can't take it anymore! Gimme a joint! What? You mean they made that illegal too? Oh, the horror!" Others students suffered more severe cases of withdrawal. Senior Julius Orange was found prostrate in front of the empty Red Bull display in Commons. "Must..drink...liquidity...death syrup," he groaned. Despite the national exposure of the Red Bull prohibition, some students were still unaware of any such ban on energy drinks. The Daily Trojan caught one student, whose name has been withheld, in possession of the illicit substance. "Nooooo! You can't take it!" she said. "Get away from me!" The frenzied caffeine addict proceeded to chug her two Red Bulls, pass out and go into convulsions. There are those who have been able to cope with the situation, though. Some enterprising students have found solace in local speakeasies, able to get their daily fix, but for black market prices. The Daily Trojan talked with one of these students. "Yeah, I got some...but I sure as hell ain't telling you where. Hey...if you're nice to me...I might be able to hook you up. Six-pack normally runs for close to $200. I'll give you a break. $175." The Daily Trojan declines to comment on the $175 that is missing from the petty cash drawer. Copyright 2000 by the Daily Trojan. All rights reserved. This article was published in Vol. 141, No. 57 (Friday, November 17, 2000), beginning on page 16 and ending on page 15.